All the Times it Wasn't
by little red after the wolf
Summary: Nessa is very selfish and Elphaba is very selfless. — fiyeraba, bessa, gloq


**A/N: First thing's first, this heavily relies on my headcanon (I guess?) that Nessa has green eyes. Also, it's got a little bit of Dorothy, but not bashing the poor girl like most people do so back off because I'm actually part of the Dorothy Gales is an innocent fuckin farm girl who is tricked into shit so protect her squad. Don't you dare insult Nessie, my little precious angel, either, remember, this is Elphaba's perspective and not everything she thinks is right, okay? Okay.**

Her flesh is a sickly kind of green. The tones of dark and light in it are uneven amongst her body. She pinches at it and tugs it. It never smears. Later, she offers up prayers to the Unnamed God that he'll let her wash it off, but no matter how many times she prays, her flesh stays a sickly kind of green.

(Eventually she stops believing in the Unnamed God.)

Green is an ugly, ugly color to her dark eyes. Blades of grass are too close in shade to the pigment of her hands for her to like. Stems of flowers are too close to her outer forearms for her to sigh at. Leaves high up on trees are too close to her cheeks when she blushes to be pretty. Limes are too close to her underarms' paler green to be alluring. She wishes there was less green in the world to remind her.

(The wishes only wound her green, green heart.)

Nessarose Thropp is born at an ungodly hour in springtime and Melena is screaming, howling words that aren't words as she tries to push the small babe out three months too early. She is not green like Elphaba, she is pale as the milkflowers their father had insisted upon Melena chewing. But Elphaba can see that her little legs are a tangled, twisted mess, nothing like her own [paled green] ones. She pleads the infant for forgiveness for the tangled legs, the dead mother, and for her green skin.

(She thinks Nessa resents her always for all of it.)

Her green skin is not allowed to touch the milk colored babe until she is a toddler and tries (and fails, fails so many times) to crawl. It is the first time Elphaba has gotten to look at her little sister since she was born with red over that milky white skin. She opens much too pale eyelids to her big sister as a soft lullaby is crooned and gentle kisses are placed over her cheeks to soothe the tears. Nessarose has startlingly green eyes.

(It is the only time green has ever been pretty to her dark eyes.)

Even though it would make those vivid eyes pop even more, Nessarose never wears anything green. If it is out of respect for her or fear of drawing even more attention to them, Elphaba never really knows. But she is thankful that her sister doesn't remind her of her hideous skin. Everyone else does that enough.

(Just like Nessa, Elphaba never says thank you.)

They reach Shiz with Frexspar fussing over Nessa and forgetting his older daughter. Elphaba wishes she could forget herself and her sickly green skin too. The students at Shiz don't let her. They stare with wide, probing eyes (that are dull grays and dry blues and dark browns, no beautiful greens) until she snaps at them and Frexspar remembers his least favorite child. Just like Nessarose, he is embarrassed. Elphaba knows it's not by her, but by her sickly green skin.

(She's embarrassed by it too.)

Nessarose pleads with her to understand and put her first the day that Winkie Prince arrives, as she always has been. If Elphaba did not love her sister so much, she might have said no. If Nessarose's beautiful eyes had not looked so sad (and selfish), she would have said no. But Nessarose's eyes had looked so sad, so she said yes. Those eyes were the only time green ever felt pretty to her so how could she say no?

(Nessa is very selfish and Elphaba is very selfless.)

She tries only once to confront Nessa about the class she had skipped the day of the Lion Cub. It ends in flushed red cheeks and clouded green eyes to meet green cheeks and dark eyes. Nessa spews fire the way Elphaba does when confronted about her skin. That should concern her but she's too busy threatening the Munchkin boy who'd courted Nessa to that Winkie Prince's dance in the aftermath of Nessa's accusations. She doesn't want to think too much about the Prince and doting over Nessa is a safety net.

(Doting over her sister has been most of her life.)

The last time she sees those green eyes happy is the first time she ever sees them broken. Her closest (and only) friends have gathered at the train station to bid her well on her trip to the Emerald City (her gut tells her the green will sicken her but at least she can finally meet the Wizard). Nessa's eyes shine brighter than Elphaba has ever seen them with the Munchkin boy pushing her chair and Galinda's sugary smiles their way. Her sister has faith in her and that's all that matters right now, because finally, she is not ashamed of the sickly green skin. But then the Munchkin boy leaves with harsh words and Nessa's heart in hand. Her eyes break and she wheels herself off with heavy words that Elphaba wants to fix.

(Nessa stays broken and so does she.)

When she is told Frexspar is dead and, once again, it is her fault, Elphaba doesn't plead for forgiveness for the dead father as she had with the dead mother. Then Nessa is angry and screaming with the fire Elphaba had when she refused the Wizard. Those green eyes are selfish and sad again, and broken still. She wants to fix them, wants to give her sister everything like she's tried so many times before. It comes to her, right when she thinks she can't. She enchants the slippers Frexspar had given her (a reminder of both him and the lies the Munchkin boy had told Nessa and she had fallen in love with) and she's finally done something good! Nessa's legs are weak but she manages to walk. She refuses Elphaba's doting, no longer needs it. It is the happiest moment of both of their lives, though Elphaba cannot see those beautiful green eyes shining with joy. Then the moment is ripped from them by the Munchkin boy who is still too in love with Glinda. Nessa takes after her sickly skinned sister and curses him. It does no good whatsoever and Nessa needs Elphaba's doting again. She fixes it the best she can (but her best is nowhere near good enough) and goes to leave, for the Winkie Prince and the Monkeys turned monkeys. Beautiful green eyes are angry again, sad and selfish and broken.

(It is the last time she ever sees them.)

Nessarose is dead. Killed. Crushed by the house of a stupid, blind little girl. A little girl who is innocent and naive and believes in the Wizard. A little girl who has taken (or been given) Nessa's slippers. The reminder of the last moment Nessa was happy. Of the Munchkin boy who had made her beautiful green eyes light up so much once upon a time. Of the love Frexspar had for at least one of his daughters. Of Elphaba's failure. Of those green eyes that she didn't even get to see look so, so happy for just that moment.

(She never gets to think green is pretty, not ever again.)

* * *

 _reviews are love. give some to elphie and her green, green skin._


End file.
